Sometimes I get to thinking. Though this usually has negative results, every once in a while an idea passes across my frontal lobe that's just too amazing to ignore. During an A's game last week, a few friends and I got to talking about how baseball mascots, as a whole, are none too threatening. But what if we had a mascot playoffs? We take the 8 leanest, meanest mascots (read: team names), and put them in a royal rumble with each other. Let's see who comes out on top.
Round 1:
Human Division
1) Pittsburgh Pirates v. 4) Texas Rangers
The Pirates catch a tough first round matchup as the sea bound scurvy dogs square off against the lawmen of the open range.
Rangers advantage: Horsemenship, Marksmenship.
Pirates advantage: Artillery, Seamanship.
Draws: Accents, clothing.
The Pirates win this one just based on home field advantage. In a 5 game series, everyone wins at home, the Rangers have nothing once they end up on the water, and the Pirates falter once deprived of their cannons and boats. Pirates go to the second round.
2) Cleveland Indians v. 3) Atlanta Braves
The Ohio based plains Indians get in a war against the brave fighters from the swamps of the south.
Indians advantage: Easier to define exactly what they are
Braves advantage: Explicit courage in name, use of tomahawks
Draws: Both some form of Native American
The home field doesn't play too much of a role in this one, as each possess similar fighting skills. Though the Indians knock a few off the reservation, the Braves use of coordinated tomahawking proves to be the difference that sends them to the second round.
Animal/Being Division
1) Arizona Diamondbacks v. 4) Detroit Tigers
Desert based rattlesnakes do battle against homicidal psycho jungle cats.
Diamondbacks advantage: Poison bite, survivability in arid climate
Tigers advantage: Agile, jungle survivability
Draw: Both deadly animals
The Tigers get a bum draw in this one. Though they put up a fierce fight, the Diamondbacks are able to sneak up and bite them almost at will. Tigers can find no antidote for the poison, and the D-backs advance.
2) San Francisco Giants v. 3) Colorado Rockies
The oddly-large proportioned men have to defeat a large and imposing range of mountains.
Giants Advantages: Mobility, Intelligence (over rocks)
Rockies Advantages: Size, Cold
Draws: None
Look, if the Donner Party could do it, then so could a race of abnormally huge people. The Rockies downfall is their lack of speed, as the Giants can just lumber circles around them. The Rockies, immobile as they are, can't even make it to San Francisco for that game. They might be imposing, but I wouldn't bet on them in a fight. Giants advance.
Stay tuned for round 2 next week!
but the Giants don't have the bodily resources to produce a cool, refreshing beverage that fuels college parties all across this land...unless you get REALLY creative. and courageous.
ReplyDeleteIsn't the Giant's mascot a seal?
ReplyDeleteLou Seal's probably the only cool mascot. For a full list of lame-ass mascots see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Major_League_Baseball_mascots.
ReplyDeleteI think, because the Angels no longer have a mascot (and I downright refuse to call that damned rally monkey any kind of mascot), that you should include Wild Wing in there as an honorary representative of the city of Anaheim.
No, Jon.... in this frame, it would be "Angels", which is not intimidating at all, and why they didn't make the bracket.
ReplyDeleteI would argue, in fact, that they have the most benevolent and thus least intimidating team name in all of MLB.
ReplyDeleteBraves win!
ReplyDeleteBut Angels can fly and don't they have some sort of divine power. Their intimidation factor is relative...they didn't even make the bracket? Plus if the mascots were put into a baseball game we all know by the movie that Angels have would win. I call for a redo.
ReplyDelete